Tuesday, June 17, 2014

The Fault In Our Stars

Disclaimer-the following contains a spoiler from the book/movie "The Fault In Our Stars." They're both incredible. I highly recommend reading the book first. The following is also emotional memories I've never shared before.

I just went to see "The Fault In Our Stars" tonight and bawled my eyes out. I don't believe it was because of the fictional characters in the movie, though. I believe they just reminded me of events and people in my life that made me cry. I thought of Casey a lot during the movie. She died in the ICU just like the character in the movie (sorry for the spoiler). When I was 10 years old I read a book about a girl in high school who lost her best friend in a car accident. One random night the narrator of the book suddenly woke up from a deep sleep, thought it was strange but went back to sleep. The next morning she found out her best friend had died at that moment the night before. So I always thought if something happened to someone close to me, I would just know and feel it on my own, like the character in that book. All the times Casey was sick growing up, even more so than usual, all the times she was in the hospital for extended periods of time, I knew she would be fine. Other people didn't think so, but I didn't listen to them. I knew she would come home and it wasn't her time. And I was right. I watched her mom cry and I heard my parents try to prepare me for the worst, but I held my ground and she came home. Until she didn't. When she went into shock the day after Christmas, 2007 she wasn't coming back home. Her parents contacted me on New Years Day 2008 when they realized how bad it was and we immediately went to see her in the ICU. And I knew this was it. I knew I would just know when the time had come for her. I woke up in the middle of the night Jan 4 and had this weird feeling. I just knew. The next morning, Jan 5, 2008 we went to see Casey in the ICU again. It's still so strange to me that even though my cell phone was in the car with me the entire time, I didn't get a single one of Casey's parents' numerous phone calls. I think I wasn't meant to get them. I wasn't meant to hear over the phone from her parents in their devastated moment that they were going to let her go and that I shouldn't come. Because I was meant to go there and I was meant to say goodbye and Casey was meant to hold my newborn baby Rylie one last time. Casey had suffered another heart attack the night before and there was nothing more the Dr's could do. It was time she was freed from the pain. And it's a pain a lot of us still carry with us. "Pain is meant to be felt" is a quote from the movie tonight. On my drive home tonight, I saw the prettiest big moon in the sky. Another book I read as a kid, or maybe it was a movie or TV show, I'm not sure. There were 2 characters who were far apart and missed each other. One said "look at the moon. And I'll look at the moon. And we're both looking at the same moon. So we're together." I wonder if Casey has the same moon in heaven. I like to think she does. And so we're together.

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